Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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