even my farts smell like vagina
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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