can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
