I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
