this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
