What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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