Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
