I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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