life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
