Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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