Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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