I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
