I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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