can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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