Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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