Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have aggressive nipples.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
