I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
