I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
