Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
