No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
