Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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