im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
