my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Is Oprah even human
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
