you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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