I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
