It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
