I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
