I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
