Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
