I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
