C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
