New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
