Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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