You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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