GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you will always have a special place in my vag
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
