I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
