Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
