Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
