I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
