Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
