Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
