Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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