we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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