My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
