the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
