Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
