Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
