WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
