i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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