I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
