i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
