My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
